“What do you DO?” Asked so often when we meet someone new or are catching up with someone we haven’t seen for a while . On the surface such an innocent question. But at its core can cut directly to our most hidden insecurities.
It’s a question asked almost as much as “How are you?” However, it seems the majority no longer listen for the answer to how we are. That query has become more of a social greeting, requiring no more of a response than does “hello”.
What if, at every drive-up window in the morning, each customer took the time to reply when asked “how are you today?” Imagine the look on people’s faces as they watch lines of cars grow and sense others becoming impatient? More often than not, we just ignore the inquiry and move on to business.
However, people will wait, as you sit on the hot seat, to hear your response to the question of what you do. Often it can feel like your explanation to this inquiry is analyzed as a measure of who you are as a person. Or maybe its purpose, by the inquirer, is an evaluative barometer to compare how they themselves are faring in the world. Or maybe they really are just interested.
Either way, the seemingly innocuous “what do you do?” has the ability to bring out our innermost anxieties. Some may feel proud responding to this question, but even many of us who should feel pride are instead filled with an aftermath of self-doubt.
Curiously, many inquisitors’ intent isn’t learning what we ACTUALLY do in our lives. I could tell someone that “I DO yoga and I DO volunteer work at an animal shelter”. But that’s not what most are truly looking for. More often than not, the intended target is “what do you do FOR MONEY”.
It is a fact that we all need money to live our lives. We must pay for housing, transportation, food, medical care, and the list goes on. But it seems we live in a world that interprets how we rate as people based on HOW we earn that money.
Let’s take it a step further. If you are in a time of transition, most also don’t want to know what you used to do for money. Even less will wait while you try to explain your plans for future earning potential. The follow up probe is usually “ok, but what are you doing now?”
I can remember my mother struggling with being asked this question back when she worked seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day as a stay-at-home mom. Taking care of two children and a house was a full-time job, however some didn’t see it that way since it was an unpaid calling.
We don’t all have to make the same choices to still respect the decisions of others. We all have different and unique combinations of responsibilities, values, and priorities. We should remember that we don’t know the intricacies that make up the depth of another person’s world – each factoring in to the decisions they make for what is best for them.
People will say “It must be nice”, referring to an aspect of someone else’s life that is different from their own. “It must be nice to not have to go to a job every day” someone says – to a person who is working more hours than they ever did before attempting to build a new business, with no money to show for all of that effort. “It must be nice to have a big house and go on fun vacations” someone says – to a person who is trudging though a job that stresses them out and doesn’t leave them enough time to spend with their family. “It must be nice to work from home” – someone says to a person who ends up having to work nights and weekends because they are never able to really leave their place of employment at the end of the day.
They say “the grass is always greener on the other side”. I think the truth is that we all have individual shades of green, all equally beautiful, and we all have some weeds if you take the time to look close enough. The key is to still love your own grass, despite it’s imperfections.
I used to innocently, though blindly, ask that same question of others. “So what do you do?” Most of the time it was a reflexive space filler when I didn’t know what else to say for conversation. Now I’ve been on the receiving end, during a time in my own life when the answer to this question doesn’t neatly fit within the lines. Knowing personally the haunting fear of wondering what others are thinking has made me more sensitive and aware of not putting others under the microscope of well-meaning interrogation.
We live in a world of judging. It only takes a few minutes on social media to see that many feel undeservingly qualified to pass judgement on the beliefs and behaviors of others. At a time when it would do our world so much good if we could just recognize all we all have in common, we are unfortunately not always accepting or supportive of the differences between one another.
How wonderful it would be if we were truly interested in what things make others happy, what they think about, and who they are as people. The trouble is, attention spans aren’t built for that depth of conversation, or reading, anymore.
I’ve been told most of my writings are too long, the result being that most folks won’t do more than just skim them. The reflection of what that means on a grander scale leaves me realizing the true effects of our instant gratification reality. Have we really come to a time when we have to keep the complexities of what makes us human down to merely headline length if we want to be listened to?
Maybe instead of focusing on what we are DO-ing, we should start trying to re-focus onto who are BE-ing.