Social gatherings. To most it conjures images of sharing merriment with those around them – friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and strangers seen as friends in the making. To the socially anxious, it’s a terrifying experimental rat maze of fight or flight.
In addition to my degree in psychology, I also have a degree as a vet tech. In the dog world, there is an additional option for stress evoking social encounters – freeze.
In most human social gatherings, fight is not an option. At least not until the end of the night when everyone has had an abundance of festive beverages.
Flight is what most of us socially uncomfortable introverts strive for. Ideally we manage to achieve flight from the event itself, and think up an acceptable excuse not to go in the first place. If that is not an option, then the mentally exhausting alternative is to continually map out the room and remain in continuous flight from what we perceive as any given moment’s most intimidating attendee.
Unfortunately, one usually can not make it through an entire social event hiding out in the bathroom, or better, with the household pet if it’s held in someone’s home. Thus we end up in the revolving door of “freeze” each time we hear our name called in that high-pitch sing-song tone reserved for when humans haven’t seen one another in a while.
When my dog, Jaisy, finds herself in a “freeze” moment, you see mostly just the whites of her eyes as she stares down the object of her fear, waiting to see what they will do next. I think she hopes that by not moving, the other dog will not see her and just walk away.
I relate to this, as it is exactly what I am thinking in those human social gathering instances. Usually, I try to think like a very small person who blends into the environment, hoping those around me will think they thought they saw me, but must have been mistaken. The hope is that by everyone else talking and moving around, someone else will catch their eye before they make it over to me.
For my dog, if that other dog continues to push inward on her boundaries, she quickly nips, as if to look tough, hoping the other dog buys it and moves away.
I think my human version of that is trying to spit out a quick “great to see you, but I’m on my way to……” with my voice trailing off as I walk away, hoping it will look like I’m busy and they just missed me.
For my dog, if that other dog still stays in her personal space, that is when either a physical altercation begins or mommy swoops in to save the day (don’t judge me).
For me, the human version is that I’m in the bull’s eye for conversation with no escape, or I’m with someone else who relishes meeting new people and talks enough for both of us.
Don’t get me wrong, introverts with social anxiety have a lot of interesting, intelligent, and funny things to say. We just usually like to save it for our pets.
Many of us have a small group of people who we do feel comfortable around. It takes a while for us to build up that comfort level, but once it’s there, we appreciate those people more than they know. They are like our rock in the ocean, helping keep our head above the crashing waves.
But I digress. Back to social gatherings. In most social situations, like it or not, we are faced over and over with the first time we see someone face to face, be it the first time that night, that week, that year, or in a long time.
During the human “freeze”, our social algorithm for the next move begins spinning through our heads. In that frozen moment, will it be “hi”, handshake, or hug?
Is it a verbal “hi”? “Hi, nice to see you” only, with no physical contact. Keeps boundaries intact, but will it seem like enough?
Is it a handshake? Increases intimacy through physical contact. Yet could seem formal for some situations?
Is it a hug? Escalating physical contact, communicating even a higher level of intimacy and connection with that person. Or is it?
The hug is quite complex and multi-dimensional. One hug does not fit all.
First, there is the honest hug. This is the “what you see is what you get” version of the hug. Saved for people in the rare inner circle whom the socially anxious person is somewhat comfortable with. This is actually more sincere than the typical person’s social hug, as it’s underlying meaning is “You have no idea how glad I am you are here! I can sigh a bit of relief knowing there is someone I can stand near and feel a little more secure.”
Then there is the in-the-middle hug. This hug signifies “I know you, I like you, I’m not completely comfortable with you yet, but I hope you will like me. I’m not sure what to do with my hands because I’m nervous. If I just say “hi”, it might not seem like I like you enough. But if I shake your hand, you might think that was strange. I can’t think of another way in between, so……” and before you have finished analyzing it, you have already hugged the person.
Finally there is the submissive hug. This would be the “I am intimidated by you and am anxious that you will be analyzing me after this encounter. Although I would have preferred to remain under your radar, you have cornered me. If you don’t like me, then you will think negative thoughts about me, and then bond with others over comparing your opinions of me. This terrifies me, so please like me. Maybe if I hug you, even if you don’t like me, you will change your opinion and warm up to me, or at least not make fun of me to everyone else in this room” hug.
This last one would be akin to my dog rolling over on her back exposing her belly, as if to say “please don’t hurt me”. It is the human translation of the point where my dog would tinkle a little and then slowly back away.
During the “freeze” phase there is another human manifestation of fear, beyond handshake or hug, that dogs luckily do not have to deal with. I call it “press for speech” and it is analogous to the free-flow speech pattern some patients with traumatic brain injury exhibit, harking back to my days as a speech pathologist. (Ironic, right? The speech therapist who gets anxious speaking to people. Ahhh the humor in life if we slow down to appreciate it.)
In this pressured speech, patients monologue from topic to topic without seeming to pause for a breath or let the other person get a word in. The content of their over-sharing can hop from observation, pop culture and current events, to the surprisingly personal. It can painfully go on and on until something or someone distracts them, allowing all parties the needed diversion.
For me, the “press for speech” symptom of the fear-freeze usually ends with me walking away saying to myself “Why? Why did you just say all of that?” And “Does anyone have a time machine so I can call “mulligan” and try a do-over?”
For for my dog, “press for bark” seems to be limited to times she sees someone or something move in front of our house – people walking, cars driving, squirrels acorning.
Dogs add in butt-sniffing when a new animal approaches socially. Luckily, we humans seem to have skipped that one. Though maybe if we started, that would be the deal breaker keeping other humans away when we’re feeling anxious to interact with them.
Interestingly, some people get together in social groupings of humans and just live in the moment. Somehow they manage to say what’s on their mind as soon as it erupts, share it and then move on. Period. The end.
Others of us who know social anxiety all too well strive for this, but have a hard time believing it exists, let alone thinking it could be achievable.
Instead, we will worry about what to say to you for days leading up to the event, escalate that worry on the day itself, melt in frozen panic each time a new face approaches us, and then spend the drive home reviewing each conversation in our heads, hoping no one was left with a negative impression of us. Needless to say, we then need a day or two to recover from the mental gymnastics and exhaustion of it all.
So the next time you find yourself in that socially anxious “freeze” situation – will it be fight, flight… or hug?
And if none of those options seems to rescue you during your next social maze, look for the nearest dog. I’ll bet hanging out with them will help you find some mental peace and feel some inner calm.
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(super cute photo credit: boredpanda.com – “Dogs Hugging Their Owners”