We all have our little idiosyncrasies. Those peculiar traits that some might find strange while those who love us find endearing. (Or at least that’s what we hope!)
I won’t list all of mine here. I remember hearing once that it’s best not to verbally perseverate on things you don’t like about yourself, in front of your partner, because maybe they haven’t noticed it yet…. so why point it out to them?! It sounded wise so I tried to heed the advice.
But the other night I was watching The Big Bang Theory with my husband and had an epiphany.
On the season 10 episode, Sheldon is standing in their hallway between the two apartment doors, not sure if he wants to live in the old apartment with his friend Leonard or the new apartment with his girlfriend Amy. When he is discovered there he explains that he is “contemplating Buridan’s Donkey”. He goes on to describe the paradox of a hungry donkey caught between two equidistant bales of hay, who is “paralyzed by indecision and starves to death”.
I paused the show (i sure love TiVo) and looked at my husband. “Oh my god….. I’m Buridan’s Donkey”!
When i looked it up the next day (not wanting to solidify the comparison in my husband’s mind more than I already had), Wikipedia referenced a similar analogy from Aristotle about a man who is both hungry and thirsty, caught between a stack of hay and a pail of water, who ends up dying of both hunger and thirst. The explanation went on to describe how the human decision making process can grind to a halt if there are two equally good choices, resulting in “suspended judgement” until something changes within the circumstance to make one the clearer choice.
I have often noticed in myself the tendency toward becoming “paralyzed by indecision” when trying to choose between two good choices, or two choices that each have compatible drawbacks.
It’s never for lack of thinking about it, having opinions, or cognitive problem solving ability. It’s just that sometimes the more skilled you are at looking at a situation from multiple perspectives, the more likely that you will find a “yeah but” for every possible decision. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that people who are able to make quick decisions probably are only able to do so because they think it through less.
I bet a bunch of people reading this right now are nodding their heads “yes”. And I bet a bunch of those people are perfectionists just like me. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I expect anyone else to be perfect… I save that toughest judgement for myself.
It’s not even that I expect myself to be perfect. I tried that as a teenager and it was exhausting. But I do try to be “the best” me I can be. And to make “the best” decisions when faced with any fork in the road. All so that I can live “the best” life I can…. and stay on the path that “I’m supposed to” be on. It’s not so much about being “THE best”, but I always at least wanted to know I did “MY best”.
But making “the best choice” on big decisions runs into making “the best choice” on every decision. And before you know it, every little decision can feel like they potentially hold equal weight in your life.
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On a logical level, I completely understand that choosing “the best” shampoo or face wash isn’t going to significantly alter the course of my being. However, I’ve been adding extra water to the empty bottles to squeak out every last drop for the last two weeks while I read labels and smell scents to find out which would be “the best” one to use next.
Some decisions aren’t as trivial, but still aren’t going to determine the success of my existence. I get that choosing a new leash for my dog or which animal healthcare book to read next aren’t going to be disasters if there ends up being one out there that would have been even better than the great one I ultimately pick. But I’ve reviewed my same growing “wish-list” on Amazon for longer than I’d like to admit without being able to pull the trigger because why not wait until I know I’m finding “the best” one out there, right?
Others truly are big life decisions. Should we stay in a job that no longer feels right but is financially stable -or- try a new career we feel connected to but is a financial gamble? Should we take, or give, a medication a doctor, or vet, recommends -or- try a more natural healing alternative with less side effects but less research behind it? Should we live in a place were everyone and everything is familiar -or- try a new place you’ve always thought (maybe with better weather) but is quite a distance away from all that you know?
Those are the scary ones. Those are the ones that feel like we could hit the jackpot if it goes well. But could also throw life as we know it off-course if they go awry. We wonder if there was a better “best thing” for us that we could have chose…. or should have chose.
The tough thing is that many times we don’t know what the “better” choice was until we are past it, looking backward in hind-sight. Or even more probable, that we never really know for sure if we made the “right” decision, and spin around inside a black hole of “what if”s.
And that’s where the paralysis can come in. When you know that you aren’t sure. So you keep analyzing. Keep weighing the pros and cons. Keep waiting for that one thing to jump out that would make one choice the clear-cut “better” choice. But when each option is good or each option has it’s limitation, your mind can get stuck circling in an infinite loop that never allows you see the clear winner….. so never allows you to make the choice. So then you do nothing. Which has then becomes your choice.
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The real moment of illumination is when you are able to draw the line between two of your odd behaviors and realize they are actually related. Or that one may even be your well-meaning attempt at solving the other.
Some who know me may have thought it strange that I can be structured and repetitive in some decisions while unable to make others.
I got into a groove at one job of wearing black and white scrubs all the time. Since it was a hospital where some people wore scrubs, I thought it blended in so was less noticeable. People would sometimes ask – “Don’t you get bored? Don’t you like color?”. On the surface i could say – “Black and white are always in style and professional, and It’s easier to wash germs from scrubs than regular clothes.” But if I really think about it, it unburdened me from the decision of what to wear each day as well as the overwhelming task of buying new clothes.
I also get into grooves with where and what to eat. I can go through long stretches where I eat the same thing for breakfast, then the same thing for lunch, and the same thing for dinner almost every day of the week. And for as many years as I can remember, I go to the same places for dinner each Friday and Saturday. My husband will sweetly ask “So where do you feel like going for dinner tonight?” And then we just look at each other and laugh. On the surface I could say – “I just really like that food, it’s close, or I have a coupon”. But again, if I really think about it, it unburdens me from the decisions of what to buy at the grocery store every week and what to make to eat each day.
I thought about each of these decisions a lot at one point in time, and then ultimately chose each of these things for a myriad of different reasons. And then I just kept trusting that each was still “the best” for me because it was too exhausting to re-decide through the entire decision-making maze again.
Some may call it eccentric. Maybe some OCD. Or even being a mental minimalist. I think it makes us smart to be able to independently identify things that increase our anxiety and then develop creative ways to minimize them in order to keep ourselves in a comfortable zone.
Some may say it makes me the starving donkey. I say if it’s ok for Sheldon, then it’s ok for me.