Is it viewed as a negative if a woman decides not to have children? Is it a life opportunity lost if someone does not become a mother? And why do society and social media feel the right to comment on an “issue” that the woman herself does not view as such? Is the decision to have children born out of a genetically determined biological imperative or is it gradually instilled in us along the course of our lives as a learned response to reaching a certain age? In other words, is the assumption that a woman will have children based in nature versus nurture?
I ponder this because at age 46, I’m still waiting for the time when “I’ll just know” if I’m ready to have kids. Sometimes choosing not to consciously make the decision, is still a making a decisive choice (thank you Geddy Lee).
I have three college girlfriends my age who also made the decision not to have children. It strikes me as interesting that there is a cluster of us in such close proximity who all independently chose something that is not the norm. It stimulated the psychology degree in me to look at it as a social observation.
How many woman make the choice to have children simply because it is next on what they see as Life’s To-Do List? And if they had been surrounded by other woman who did not take this life path, might they have paused to more consciously decide if it is really what they wanted?
In our situation, we all had different family make-ups growing up, went into different careers, and had different relationship paths. There were gaps in time when life got in the way that we didn’t get to see each other much. Still, I wonder if just having known someone else out there who walked the road less chosen, might have subconsciously made it more acceptable for each of us to also choose that road.
We live in a society with expectations about what a relationship, a family, and a life should look like. Over time, what is considered “normal” has evolved. Though even being aware of that fact, others can still judge each “new” difference that ends up under the microscope as “wrong” – until each of those differences has it’s day in the sun to become more understood, and eventually accepted.
Luckily society is growing to embrace relationship differences and family diversity. Some people marry and some choose long-term partnership without the need for legal documents. Some live their lives with people of the same gender, race, or religion, and others with partners different from themselves. Some have biological children, some embrace the children of their partner’s prior relationships, and some adopt. Some have children at a young age, and some not until they are much more mature. And some even decide not to have children at all.
That is the beauty of love, freedom of choice, and the potpourri that is life. And that is where we should all draw our courage from to make the choices that are best for ourselves, no matter what anyone else thinks about it.
My thoughts come back to the idea of not having children. The more I think about it, the more I realize that if we listen to the advice we get as we are growing up, it is surprising more people don’t find themselves in this situation.
When we are teenagers, we are taught about abstinence, safe sex, and not getting pregnant. If we listen to that advice, which we should at that age, we form values, life choices and habits that keep us child-free through high school and college. This enables us to focus on our education.
In our early twenties we are encouraged to finish college, begin a career, and focus on becoming financially independent so that we can take care of ourselves. If we listen to that advice, which we should at that age, we continue to strengthen those life choices and habits that also still happen to keep us child-free.
Now in your mid-to-late twenties, you are secure and independent. Maybe you met someone in high school, college or your new job – but maybe you didn’t. If you didn’t, this is probably the time you are finally hoping to focus on your personal life and meet someone you connect with for a long-term relationship. If we listen to sage advice along the way, which we should, we hold out for “the one”. At this point we have built strong personal values, and hope to meet someone who shares our beliefs. We also want to be attracted to that person, have fun spending time with them, and hold compatible goals in life. I think you will all agree that this is a tall order and not a quick one to fill.
Maybe you were lucky enough to connect with that person quickly, or maybe it took years to find each other. Most of us don’t want to begin pro-creating right after the first successful date, so you spend time getting to know each other – which you should. Now you have dated for some time, and decide to move on together into the glow of becoming engaged. It’s an exciting time in life, so you don’t want to rush through it. You take your time and enjoy that stage of your relationship and plan a wedding. Then you turn your sights to buying a home. Each important milestones in life that should be savored.
At this point you could be anywhere from thirties to forties, or beyond. As women, we are all familiar with statistics thrown at us about ages for easiest and safest conception. For some you might be close to this age, but the idea of rushing into it just because someone is holding up a clock, feels like the wrong motivation. However if we give ourselves the time, now that we finally have our lives in order, to wait until we know for sure we are ready to try having children, we just might find ourselves passed that shot clock.
The irony is, the longer you wait to have kids, so that you are mature enough to handle each aspect of parenthood, the harder it is to become a parent. Physically it is harder to conceive and pregnancy holds more risks. Emotionally, you have had more time to learn about the world, and therefore more time to see how difficult the job of being a parent is. The more you know, you realize the less you know. It’s more intimidating to make the conscious decision to step toward a path on which you have witnessed so many others struggle before you.
Is it simpler to become a parent when you are still young and naïve enough not to see those pitfalls? Or is it easier once you are older and have the maturity to handle all of it’s facets?
Would we be making the decision to become a mother because it’s what WE want? Or would we be basing it on the experiences we want our loved ones to be able to have?
Will we “just know” if we genuinely want to have children, the way we’re told we’ll “just know” about so many important life decisions? And if we never get to that point of “just knowing” for sure, beyond the shadow of a doubt, does that mean we shouldn’t?
Would we be making the choice to have children because we want them NOW? Or would we be choosing it because we are afraid of regretting not having had them once it’s too late?
It is too complex a question to be answered here. But it is a question that begs the respect and acceptance of others to allow a woman to choose her own answers without the watchful eye of society and it’s expectations. May we all have the wisdom and grace to nurture the nature that lies uniquely within each one of us, as well as within our own true selves.