I am a long-distance step-mom. There are a lot of complexities in blended families, the navigation of which could fill many blogs all by themselves. My husband is lucky enough to have a job that he can do from anywhere as long as he has a computer, which allows him to visit his boys often. Airfare being as expensive as it is, my relationship with them has had to be forged mostly over holidays there, summer vacations here, and the various communications one can achieve with a cell phone.
I never had biological children of my own, yet have amassed a lifetime of wisdom that I wanted to be able to share with someone someday. At the end of last summer, I wrote a letter to the youngest who had been staying with us and was getting ready to fly back home. I wanted to tell him again how glad I was that we are part of each other’s families and thank him for choosing to share some of his vacation with us. It also included a reminder of some life lessons we had talked about over the course of our time together.
Some were basic etiquette that I knew would be helpful in his everyday interactions. I hoped that even if they were just seeds of thought, planted while he was half listening, maybe he would remember them when the situations presented themselves. Some were specific to things i noticed, and hoped it would be for the greater good to have a quick awkward conversation in the moment, rather than chance them becoming habits eventually growing into larger issues as time went on.
It’s hard to determine sometimes, when you aren’t the primary parent, where the boundaries of your opinions lay. While you have been tapped in as an on-site parental figure, is it ok to step up to the plate and do it the way you would if you were there all of the time? Or is the job of step-parent, especially when you’re the one there the least, to step back and be more of a protective friend and supporter of what their biological parents allow?
I tried to find the middle ground between the two. I always thought being a parent was about being proactive to help set someone up for success in life – guiding them with wisdom, setting up realistic expectations, and then being fair but consistent with your consequences. I didn’t want to look back in retrospect wishing I had spoken up when I had the chance. I chose to pick my battles, and then intervene with kindness, respect, and non-confrontational conversation.
Maybe there is someone else out there who could benefit from those life lessons we talked about that summer. It’s amazing how a few basic things can improve our connections to other people in the world around us. Here is an excerpt from my letter to him. Thank you for letting me share it with you too.
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1) Always say “Please” and “Thank You”
2) When talking with people, make eye contact.
It doesn’t have to be constant, but it helps you both know that what you each have to say is important.
3) In a conversation, we should listen more than we talk.
It’s good to share what we want to say, but allow equal time for the other person to speak, too.
4) If we don’t know something, it’s ok to say “I don’t know”.
It’s much better than making something up to sound as if we do, or to try to show that we know more than someone else.
5) Eat at least one meal a day together as a family and don’t bring your phone or computer to the table.
Be present with the people there in front of you. There’s plenty of other time during the day to look at those screens.
6) When you are done eating at a table, thank the person who made or brought the food, then excuse yourself.
(It’s more polite than just quietly disappearing).
7) When eating, use a plate so crumbs don’t fall and put it on a table so food can’t be snuck by animals that live there.
When you’re done, clear away your dishes and wipe your hands so other things you touch afterward won’t get sticky.
8) Try not to snack shortly before someone is going to cook you a meal or take you out to a restaurant.
The more times you aren’t hungry anymore when you’re at the dinner table, the less likely they are to keep doing it for you. (That box of pop tarts will always be there, but fresh food and restaurants won’t.)
9) If you take something out, put it away as soon as you are done.
Eventually someone has to clean it up, and it’s not fair to make someone else take the time to clean up after you. It’s much easier to clean as you go, than to have to pick up an overwhelming accumulation all at once.
10) If you are the last one to finish something, don’t put the empty container back in the cupboard or fridge.
Throw it away or recycle it, and let someone know if you need more.
11) Brush your teeth, take a shower, and put on clean clothes every day.
It helps avoid cavities and being stinky when you don’t even realize it (since we’re all a bit immune to our own scents).
12) After taking a shower, hang up the wet towel as soon as you are done with it.
Otherwise it stays damp and can start to grow mold/bacteria (which grows in damp environments).
13) Clean your glasses at least once every day in the morning.
You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll be able to see.
14) Try not to touch your face too often, it can spread bacteria and lead to acne break-outs from the germs/oils on our hands.
(Hair in our face all the time can do the same thing).
15) When you are out in a public place, try not to touch too many things – or use sanitizer/wash your hands right afterward.
You’d be amazed at how many bacteria and viruses live on those public surfaces. It will help you avoid getting sick.
16) Always be honest. Sometimes it can be uncomfortable. But in the long run, it’s easier.
People often see through dishonesty even if they don’t call you out on it. It’s much better to say nothing than anything other than the truth.
17) Keep your word. If you say you are going to do something, or not do something, stick to it.
Otherwise people will quickly learn not to believe you or trust you.
18) If you like something that someone has said or done, let them know.
Too often we only tell people the things we don’t like, and it’s nice for everyone to hear something good
19) On the other hand, compliment someone only if you mean it, not because you have an ulterior motive.
It can seem less than genuine if it feels to that person that you have an agenda.
20) Smile at people – you will brighten their day.
You may never know what stress other people are dealing with in their own lives, and a smile makes both people feel good.
21) When you shake someone’s hand, do it firmly, (but not so hard it’s uncomfortable).
It communicates confidence….. and can help you build more confidence too.
22) Drive alert and cautiously. Things can change in an instant, so you have to be ready to react.
Dealing with insurance companies is a nightmare, not to mention if you get hurt….. Keep your life hassle free just by being careful. .
23) Go to bed and wake up at consistent times. You’ll feel better and function better at school or work.
To be successful in life, you have to be there on time.
24) Whatever you do – do it your best. It doesn’t have to be perfect, or THE best….. just YOUR best.
This applies to school especially – don’t just show up and do the minimum. You don’t want your life to be its minimum – you should be able to feel proud of everything you achieve.
25) Think about what you are going to say before you say it.
You never know who is within hearing distance that you might offend, even if it wasn’t your intention. (This includes swears and references to race, religion, orientation, etc).
26) Think about the consequences of the decisions you make, before you do something.
Make deliberate choices that keep you out of trouble. It’s a lot easier to avoid trouble than to have to fix it afterward. (This includes respecting property. Chairs or walls that are damaged in your own family’s home can be frustrating….. but if it’s done at someone else’s house is actually “destruction of property”, which is illegal.)
27) If you feel anxious about something, or are ever having trouble, let someone know.
You can call, email, text, skype…. Just tell someone and don’t keep it bottled up inside. Stress can build up if we don’t let it out. Sharing it with someone who supports you can help you find a way through it more easily.
28) Appreciate the value of money. People have to work hard to earn it, and it isn’t an endless supply.
Every time someone buys something for you (airline tickets to travel to see you, going to amusement parks, food, etc), they have made the decision to give up something for themselves to do something for you, because they want you to be happy.
29) Practice patience.
I’m sure you sighed when you saw this was more than one short page. But real life doesn’t happen as rapidly as video games with flashing colors and sounds. Learning to be comfortable with a little bit of slow time will help us all tremendously in our lives, even if it’s not easy.
30) Some of the things we learn the most from, and appreciate the most, are the things that didn’t come easy.
When you have to work at something, you become an active part of it – and that feels good.