On Mothers Day – What My Mother Means To Me

I think it’s an impossible task to sum up all the emotions and things we are grateful for across a lifetime of knowing our mothers.  It inevitably would be like a scene from the Academy Awards when the winner forgets to mention something that was important to them.  As many big things there are to speak of, there is an even more immense amount of small moments that we may have forgotten, or not even been aware of,  since so much of what they do for us is behind the scenes, in decisions they make every single day.  So rather than try to list them all, I want to thank my mom for some of the things that happen to be in my consciousness right now. 

1)  Working the full-time job of stay-at-home-mom when we were young.

     That is a 24/7 exhausting vocation – there are no breaks, no days off, and no financial benefits.  But it gave my brother and I the gift of stability in our most formative years.  It gave us routine, which helped me feel more secure in knowing what to expect.  It taught us accountability, because if mom said “no”, she was going to be there and aware if you didn’t listen.  (Not that we never tried to see how far the boundary could be pushed, but we learned quickly and it stuck.)  It gave us a safe place to go, whether the day was good or not, to share what made a good day good, and what seemed to make the bad day feel that way.  Because she was there, we could take the time to come up with a plan for how to make things better, and know she would still be there tomorrow to be our cheerleader.  At the end of a long day, she was always there to give a hug, making it known that whatever the situation, at least in that moment, everything was ok.

2)  Still putting us first when she went back to work.

     Later in our school years my mom went back to work. She scheduled it so she left after us in the morning and came home the same time we returned from school.   Even though she was busier now,  she still managed to put us first and be there for everything we needed without missing a beat in our lives.   It was empowering for her to feel more independent making her own money. She learned how to use a computer even though it was a fear and a challenge.   She was helpful and kind to all of the people around her there, whether they worked above, below, or alongside her.  And she didn’t back down from sharing her opinions and standing up for changes that were needed.  Sometimes it was subtle, and as anyone who knows her can imagine, sometimes it was, should we say, less than subtle.  But if someone was being treated unfairly, she always managed to find her voice to speak up.    Even in this new work chapter, without even trying,  she was modeling positive life lessons through her own actions. 

3)  Having family dinner every night.

     At 6:00 every weeknight we all knew where to be – sitting around the dinner table together.  My poor mom got more compliments out of us for Kraft macaroni and cheese with hot dogs than she ever did for the meals she worked all day on.  But food was never the focus.  Instead, the focus was on everyone getting a chance to talk about their day.  It was the time when my parents would find out about what homework we had, how we did on a test, and what was going on with our friends.  It seems nowadays with so many structured activities after school and so many people glued to their phones that relaxed family dinnertime can slip through the cracks.  Even more in hindsight, I realize what an important hour that was to have every day. 

4)  Not wearing makeup every day or fussing with her hair.

     My mom was a tom-boy growing up.  As an adult, she was comfortable in her own natural beauty.  I think that was great for a young girl to see.  Not to say that mothers who dress up are giving a negative message, but not highlighting it helped me to feel as comfortable in myself as one can feel at awkward ages.  I never felt the pressure to have the perfect trendy hair-do, wear makeup just to run to the store for milk, or spend money on every fashion television was parading in front of all of us.  It helped me accept the me that I am naturally, and not be embarrassed if someone caught a glimpse of it.  It is the real me, after all.  (Now I should footnote that I was a teenager in the 80s, when spiked up glam-rock hair and zebra print clothes were like the khakis and polo of today.  But even then, she allowed me to express myself and accepted me without judgment.)

5)  Not being obsessed with weight.

     Girls growing up have enough self-expectations of what their bodies should look like thanks to the media bombarding us from every direction.  Dealing with my own insecurities as a teenager, I struggled with an eating disorder as a way to feel some control over that anxiety.  But there was never any focus on weight from her.   Instead, her focus was on all of the great things my body could do – run, ride a bike, swim,  yoga – and so I should learn to thank it and be nice to it.  What a great message.  I witnessed many mothers talking about diets they themselves were on, despite already being thin.  Until then, what someone ate and how their body was shaped wasn’t even on my radar.   I’m grateful I had a mom who took the nurturing positive self-image approach to being a woman because it has helped me deal with my own challenges. 

6)  Being present, and not distracted by phones or computers.

     Even now, my mom is not someone who spends her day head down in a phone or computer.  If family is there, it is eye contact and conversation.  It makes us feel important to her, and we give her back the same respect.  We all still had space to do our own things, but when someone entered the room and sat down beside you, the priority became the live person in front of us, not a screen.  It helped us connect with being in the moment and finding fun all around us.  Sometimes that meant my brother and I roller-skating though the house singing loudly to a poster on the wall, and sometimes that all of the furniture and blankets were now forts, but if it meant we were having fun together she was ok with it.  I think the only time now our eyes are locked on technology is when we’re apart and texting each other. 

7)  Helping me feel safe to tell her anything.

     At night I would run up the stairs, jump on the end of my parent’s bed, and tell them about my evening (since the day had already been covered at the dinner table).   When most teenagers were hiding things from their parents, I feel lucky that I could confide in mine.  It’s not to say she never got mad, but that was reserved more for the times when we didn’t tell her things that she later managed to find out anyway.  We learned quickly that it was ultimately easier all around to just be honest up front.  It may have made for a few awkward lessons early on, but once we got older and our dilemmas got bigger, it sure made life easier that default mode equaled talking about it.

8)  Understanding my anxiety.

     From as far back as I can remember in elementary school,  I was an anxious kid.  Yet through it all, I have always known there were at least two people I could let my guard down around to feel relaxed – mom and dad.  Sometimes they would help me find a plan to minimize  my worries, and sometimes they were just there to listen.  It was a good balance between understanding how to let go of things that are out of our control while still motivating me,  despite those worries, to accomplish things that fell within it.  I never felt judged, and so as I grew into adulthood, I’ve never been embarrassed by it.  I just saw it as one of the many pieces to the puzzle of who I am.  It was a good lesson that every person has their own private struggles not always evident on the surface, making it important to consistently be kind to everyone we encounter.

9)  Supporting our decisions, even when they made her uneasy.

     Everyone who has already lived through certain life situations has advice for those newly facing them.  But many times we have to follow our own paths even if they don’t line up with the wisdom imparted to us.  My mother has always told me her true opinion of decisions I make, as well as reasons why from her own experiences.  However, once that is said, if my choice still differs, she can shift gears and stand behind me.  It takes a patient and strong person to foresee potential pitfalls, but still let you follow your own truth.  I hope she realizes how much confidence it gives me when I know she believes in me.

 10)  Demonstrating, though her own fight against MyeloFibrosis, how strong a mother’s love is.

     My mother has faced some challenging health obstacles in the last 12 years.  In 2004 she was diagnosed with MyeloFibrosis and Behcets – one attacking her bone marrow and one her immune system.  When they gave her 5 years to live, mom never gave in and never gave up. She showed us what it was to be the mama bear, ferociously protecting her cubs, and giving life her all just to be able to stay by their side.  She underwent a stem cell transplant and later waved at her prognosis in the rear-view mirror (actually it was more like a middle finger salute).  Now, 7 years past that initial prediction, she is stronger than ever. 

     Unfortunately, despite how much they love, some mothers still don’t win such battles.  If loving your kids was enough, I would have had the privilege of knowing my mother-in-law who lost her own health battle before I could meet her.  Seeing kids, even grown up kids, navigating life without there moms there to share in all their ups and downs makes me all the more grateful for my own mother every day.