When relationships begin, we’re all on our best behavior, each trying to show the other what we perceive is the best version of ourselves. We hope to raise the bar when compared to people the other may have dated in the past. In doing this, we hope they will see us as their best mate choice, and win the prize of their affection.
But what happens after you’ve collected that prize and are living the day to day as time goes on. Fairy tales never really explore what happens after two people finally connect at the end of the story. Since real life is filled with all the chapters that follow, those tales don’t really give us a blueprint for what comes next.
The idea of this blog came to mind a few weeks ago, when my husband emerged from his basement office looking extra huggable to me.
After complimenting him on his handsome huggability, I asked him if he had done something different today. After pondering for a moment, he replied, “Hmm… well I took a shower”.
Wow, I thought out loud, while thinking it was to myself. Have you lowered the bar so much that that’s all it takes now to look good to me….. a shower?
We both had a good laugh about it, but it got me thinking.
But it made me realize that he might be on to something here.
Maybe the key to happy relationships isn’t to raise the bar so far above what our significant other has ever experienced before that we put undue pressure on ourselves to maintain this illusion of perfection that is not realistic to keep up long term.
In this experience, continuing to go out of our way to seem amazing merely gets us to their typical expectation – the new normal that we have created. In this scenario, knocking their socks off would require going even beyond that, becoming exhausting, if not almost impossible.
Maybe the key to coupledom happiness is to gradually lower the bar, in unrecognizable small steps over time, allowing us to wow our mate by stepping up our game just the tiniest bit, without having to push us out of our comfort zone. Now that seems doable.
It may sound crazy, but I’m a smart gal, and it has obviously worked on me.
So it made me wonder what I may be doing, or not doing, now that we’ve been married compared to when we were in our dating chapter.
We don’t do less intentionally. It’s not that we no longer care. It’s just that we’ve finally made it to that comfortable place where we know, or at least hope, that our partner accepts us, and even still likes us, imperfections and all.
Maybe we hit the snooze a few extra times so don’t leave ourselves the same time we used to to style our hair – when throwing it up in a pony tail would do just fine. Or maybe we we’re staying in on date night because we’re tired and it’s cold, so figured why dress up when we could stay comfy in pajama pants and a sweatshirt.
But i guess it can become a slippery slope. Like it branches out into wearing the same few articles of clothing over and over so we can get away with only one load of wash at the end of the week.
Last week, on the day the laundry was in the machine, I actually had to pull out a shirt that didn’t fall into the usual one load per week rotation. My husband commented that evening that I looked cute.
That’s when I realized it worked. It actually had worked without consciously trying it. I had lowered my bar, and all it took was changing my shirt for my husband to think I looked extra nice.
I think we’re on to something here!
For my husband who started working from home a few years ago, it branched out into the notion that, if i don’t have to dress for work, why get dressed at all? Luckily his phone meetings don’t have a video component, since I don’t think boxer shorts count as business casual.
When I think about it, the slope worked it’s way into eating habits as well.
Most men seem not to worry too much about what they eat. At least as far as to say, if they want McDonalds, no part of their brain stresses about what it might do to their figure enough to stop their jeep, err, I mean their random male vehicle, from pulling into the drive-thru.
As women, how many of us smell the mouth watering aroma of that big mac and extra large fries, thinking how delectable it smells compared to the lame salad we’re nibbling on or protein shake we’re sipping.
That is why my weekend breakfasts now consist of whatever the heck I’ve been craving all week. Cookie dough, cake, peanut butter cups…. why not?!
If being married doesn’t allow us the luxury of relaxing that annoying voice inside our heads that worries “but I’ve got to look good for…….”, then what good is it?
Well, there is the love part……. (sorry, hubby was just reading over my shoulder…..)
So what’s wrong with lowering our bars a little for each other? It’s win-win when you really think about it.
I don’t have to put on make-up, and he doesn’t have to put on pants. And all we have to do is shower and change it up with a different shirt once in a while to up our attraction quotient.
Maybe the perfect relationship isn’t about finding the perfect person, but rather, finding the person who makes you realize that you no longer have to try to be perfect to be loved.